How to be a good guest

It's never too late to make a good impression.

I vividly recall my own youthful sighs and eye-rolls at the seemingly endless pronouncements: "Don't speak with your mouth full," "Say 'hello' upon entering (yes, even in a boutique)," "Remember to say thank you," "Take off your shoes when visiting someone's home," "Offer to help clear the table."

What purpose do these "good manners" truly serve? Is simple kindness not sufficient? And who, indeed, originated these societal codes?

Now, in hindsight, I offer daily gratitude to my parents for instilling in me the very customs I once dismissed. From my perspective, good manners are important for fostering harmonious relationships within any social sphere – be it family, friendships, academic circles, or local communities. They provide us with the tools to navigate diverse environments with both ease and confidence.

Some people might see etiquette as a way for the powerful to stay on top and keep others out. They might also think that knowing all the little rules can sadly be used to judge people. However, I see good manners as simply being polite and thoughtful every day. Interacting with others considerately and kindly, keeping in mind how they might feel, can really make our interactions much better. These small actions show respect and help everyone feel more comfortable together. Conversely, a breach of etiquette, even unintentional, can breed misunderstandings or be construed as discourtesy.

It is evident that a universal code of conduct does not exist; each culture nurtures its own nuanced expressions of courtesy. While certain norms of social grace are intuitive and self-evident, others necessitate conscious learning.

My intention here is not to impose a rigid framework of French bonnes manières, but rather to encourage you to identify and embrace those that resonate with your own sense of reason and utility.

The Art of the RSVP: Responding to the Invitation as Quickly as Possible

Responding promptly to an invitation is a cornerstone of considerate social conduct. Whether you receive a text message, a charming postal invitation, or a digital notification via platforms like Apple Invites or Partiful, a swift reply within 48 hours – or, truthfully, at your earliest convenience – is paramount, as your host needs ample time for organization. Understandably, immediate certainty about your availability or work schedule might be elusive, but responding does not equate to a definitive commitment.

A timely reply entails acknowledging receipt of the invitation with gratitude and briefly outlining your situation. You essentially have three options: 1. Affirmative attendance, 2. Regretful absence, or 3. Tentative uncertainty.

Should you opt for the latter, you gain a few additional days for deliberation, but a definitive response is expected no later than 48 hours prior to the event or by the specific RSVP deadline indicated by your host.

Again, uncertainty is perfectly acceptable; however, a prompt initial response is crucial. (It is indeed awkward for a host to have to solicit a response due to your silence).

The Graceful Arrival: Introducing Yourself to Everyone in the Room

Upon arriving at the event, make an effort to introduce yourself to everyone present. This can be admittedly challenging with an extensive guest list, which is why this principle generally does not apply to weddings or similar large-scale celebrations. Also, try to remember names, as addressing fellow guests directly throughout the occasion – for instance, "Excuse me, Anna, may I pass?" or "John, could you please pass the salt?" – demonstrates a refined sensibility.

A Thoughtful Gesture: Do Not Arrive Empty-Handed

While no strict etiquette rule mandates bringing a gift for your host, it is a gesture deeply appreciated as a token of gratitude for the invitation and the effort invested in preparing the meal and organizing the evening.

If you wish to send flowers, it is advisable to have them delivered the day before or after the reception, but not on the day itself (it’s ok if you send it early in the morning and it’s a diner).

Your host will likely be preoccupied and may not have the time to trim stems and find suitable vases. Consider that a host entertaining numerous guests might find managing multiple floral bouquets burdensome. The epitome of elegance is to send flowers in advance – the day before or well before the appointed time – or the day after, accompanied by a card expressing your thanks.

Bringing a bottle of wine to be enjoyed on the day of the event can be risky unless specifically requested by your host. Your selection might not complement the meal, or the host may have thoughtfully arranged a wine pairing.

Similarly, avoid bringing cakes or pastries intended for immediate consumption, as your host may have already prepared dessert, possibly taking into account other guests' dietary restrictions. Moreover, even if your contribution is delectable, it risks overshadowing the host's efforts… (And remember, you are not the star today).

Instead, consider gifts that showcase your region if your host is not local: Isigny butter, Saint Michel biscuits, madeleines from Commercy, oil from Tunisia, Tomato Sauce from Italy, Tea from England, a bottle of Champagne or Bordeaux, or any other regional wine or honey. (These are best enjoyed by the host at their leisure, following the event.)

Alternatively, support local artisans by selecting high-quality, unique items from your neighborhood: locally produced olive oil, sourdough bread, or artisanal sauces or jams. These thoughtful gifts, crafted with passion, are often not widely available.

While non-food items such as tableware, candles, or home décor can also be appropriate, they are perhaps more fitting when you are an overnight guest.

Martin-Pouret Vinegar | Maison du chocolat | Estoublon Olive oil | Edmond Fallot Mustard | Hédène Acacia honey | Billecart-Salmon brut Blanc de Blanc Champagne | Salt Terre Blanches | Tea Dammann Frères x Versailles

The Value of Time: Punctuality and Commitment

Punctuality is a virtue highly esteemed, particularly in France, where it is increasingly rare. While some cultures may have a more relaxed attitude towards tardiness, sometimes extending to an hour, this is not the norm in France.

The "quart d’heure de politesse" (the quarter-hour of politeness) allows for an arrival up to 15 minutes after the scheduled time, primarily to allow the host to finalize any last-minute preparations. However, this leniency does not extend to restaurants or external appointments, where the host has no organizational tasks and therefore no valid reason for a guest's late arrival.

A helpful tip for men (or the inviting party) in a romantic context is to arrive slightly early to "welcome" their guest.

Regardless of the circumstances, any delay exceeding 15 minutes should be communicated to your host.

Furthermore, if you are invited for lunch, aim to arrive at 1:00 PM; for coffee, 2:00 PM; and for afternoon tea (goûter), 4:00 PM, ensuring you depart by 6:30 PM to allow your hosts time to prepare for dinner. Apéritifs are typically around 7:00 PM or 7:30 PM, with dinner served between 7:30 PM and 8:30 PM, depending on the season (earlier in winter).

Be mindful that invitations to events such as weddings, baptisms, or communions require you to arrive early – certainly not "just on time." You should be present at the church or town hall at least 15 minutes before the ceremony begins (lest you inadvertently disrupt the bride's entrance!).

Finally, it bears repeating that in a professional context, the "quart d’heure de politesse" does not apply.

Finally, canceling at the last minute is considered highly impolite. Chic dictates that your word is your bond: if you have accepted, you should attend. While unforeseen circumstances do arise, a pattern of last-minute cancellations risks offending your host, and a good friend will strive to avoid this.

Respecting Boundaries: No Uninvited Guests

Bringing an uninvited guest is a social faux pas. If you wish to bring someone, always ask beforehand, framing your request in a way that allows the host to politely decline without awkwardness. Pay close attention to your wording! If the host does not extend an invitation to your spouse or long-term partner, you may choose to decline the invitation yourself, as this is generally considered impolite on their part (unless it is a gathering specifically for a particular social group, such as triathlon enthusiasts or a book club).

Behave Correctly at the Table

Exhibit proper table manners. Do not begin eating until everyone has been served and the hostess has started, unless she explicitly instructs you to begin because the food is best enjoyed hot.

When not in use, rest your knife on the edge of your plate, with the blade facing inwards, to avoid staining the tablecloth. Position it on the outer right arc of your plate. (Some etiquette guides suggest otherwise; the choice is yours.)

Do not gulp your wine. Savor the beverage chosen by your hosts in small sips. If you are thirsty, drink water.

Refrain from reaching across the table in front of your neighbor to access pepper, salt, or other items. Instead, politely ask them to pass it to you, thus avoiding any accidental contact or disruption.

Honoring Personal Space: Respecting Your Host's Privacy

Respect your host's privacy. If you need to wash your hands, make a private phone call, pray, or any other personal matter, always ask your host beforehand and, if possible, inquire about the appropriate location. Do not wander into bedrooms or bathrooms uninvited. Your host may have areas that are not tidy or personal belongings left out and would prefer you not to see them. Never enter rooms to which you have not been invited, under any circumstances.

The Civil Farewell: Avoiding a Stealth Exit

Avoid a clandestine departure. Bid farewell to all members of the household. Refrain from uttering a casual "Say thank you and goodbye to your wife for me." Unless an emergency necessitates a swift exit, wait for an opportunity to thank each host personally before leaving. Generally, it is not necessary to say goodbye to other guests individually, but this can vary depending on the intimacy of the gathering. In a small group, your departure will be noticed, so it is polite to acknowledge everyone, either individually or as a group.

Express some gratitude: Send a Thank-You Message

Extend your gratitude with a personal touch by sending a thank-you message. Mention something specific you enjoyed, such as the delicious chicken, inquire about the recipe for the dessert, or express how much you enjoyed meeting their friends and the fun you had playing board games at the end of the evening (highlighting it as a great idea).

This is also the appropriate time to reiterate any apologies if you happened to break a glass (in which case, consider having a replacement delivered), spill wine on the tablecloth, or perhaps dominated the conversation with sensitive topics like politics, causing some discord.

Be the Person Who Invites in Return!

Finally, embrace the spirit of reciprocity and extend an invitation in return! The foundation of our society lies in our interactions with each other. In his "Essay on the Gift," Marcel Mauss argues that gift-giving in many societies is a fundamental mechanism for creating and sustaining social relationships, establishing hierarchies, and circulating goods and services. For him, it's a system of reciprocal obligations that binds people together and shapes social structures.

Extending a return invitation is a way to demonstrate your appreciation for the person, acknowledging the time and effort (and expense) they invested in you, and expressing your desire for them to also enjoy a pleasant experience. And do not feel pressured to replicate a lavish multi-course meal with expensive wines. This is not a competition! Instead, invite the person for a casual afternoon tea, a picnic, or a barbecue.

Moreover, seize the opportunity to expand your social circle and introduce your friends to one another. If your friend is single, it is almost your duty to facilitate connections… but that is a subject for another newsletter!

Ultimately, every time we forge and maintain a social connection, we continue to cultivate our shared humanity. So, do invite your friends!

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Cher tous,

Thank you for your ever-increasing support.

I have several newsletters scheduled for you this month to compensate for my absence.

Your comments, likes, and financial contributions are a great help to me!

Bisous,

The French Edit